(Image Credit: Chobis Obilonu)
I’ve imagined horror stories that scared the Keke Marwa out of my head and filled it with Rolls Royce. Just like I saw a girl at Jakande roundabout one day with a six-headed dragon tattoo on her arm. Still feeling fly. Lord knows I’m a teetotaler but if I was ever wasted and faded on a TGIF outing, her looks were enough to make me piss my pants as I’ll be so frightened thinking the dragon was gonna fly out of her arm and roast my chubby chin…Killing my fine boy looks. Damn!!!
Well, sometime in January, I was at a mall in Ajah. I ain’t gonna mention the name of the mall, ‘cause that would be free advertising and they ain’t paid me s**t.
I had gone to buy ketchup and as I bent down to select the brand I wanted from the aisle, a female voice seeming to react to a news like her husband had taken a loan from the bank to do MMM and it froze; with the bank now set to possess their house yelled “JEEESUUUUUSSSS”.
Instantly, I and other shoppers and attendants looked at her in terrified wonder as she bit her lips. Obviously feeling ashamed from a few seconds of her 15 minutes of fame she unwittingly sought.
“Madam, wetin happen?” One attendant arranging milk tins on the same aisle where she stood in shock asked.
Shaking her head, she uttered annoyingly “Just imagine! Una no go kill person here. See custard bucket wey I buy N520 last week, today na N980. Wetin be this sef?”
“Ah, madam no vex ooo. Na so we buy am for market.” The attendant replied, trying hard to hold the laughter forming creases on his face. As every other person bursted into a cacophony of laughter; including me and gathered to watch.
But she wasn’t done yet. “For this kain economy na him my pikin go dey chop like buffalo.” She said. “Ah, madam for this Buhari economy?!” The attendant replied with a bewildered look.
“Wetin I go do naw? Na small pikin. E no even know sey e too dey chop.” She lamented. Continuing she said “I done call him papa tell am sey the boy too dey chop like am. Na so e hask me who born am? E no even allow me talk, na so he come say, E no wan hear sey hunger kill him pikin, come cut phone.”
Now the scene became incredibly hilarious and even the shop attendant couldn’t hold himself anymore as he exploded in amusement and said. “Madam, try explain to am naa. Make am know sey things hard.” “Hmmm! For where?” She retorted. “Him grandmother say make I leave am to wack. Say na the one he chop he go carry grow…See now, e done finish one bowl of custard for one week. I done come to buy another one now, una price done go up.” “Madam no vex. Na so this Buhari economy be now.” The attendant replied sadly as left her to her devices.
Walking to the counter, I tried hard to suppress my laughter as I remembered Sunday Akoji’s countless warning in his posts, saying “Chop Wisely”.