When She Blows Your Senses To Stone Age


Krrrrrrrrrrr! That was my gate creaking loudly, as I walked out from the kitchen quickly and peered through my room window to see who was opening the gate like he was using it to practice for an endurance sport in the upcoming Rio 2016 Olympics.

I managed to catch a glimpse of him as he scurried away like a squirrel who just happened to discover a mine of nuts. I almost wanted to ask him what the matter was, but he was long gone before my oratory nerves could come into action and I left him and walked back into the kitchen cooking my rice and stew with respect to the poor bird who gave up its life for me so I could eat…Now that’s True Love.

The moment he got into his house, I started hearing the sound of broom sweeping the floor, furniture scratching against the floor as they were being shifted, dust blowing out from his window, but I paid him no mind and continued stirring my pot of stew as the aroma filtered through my kitchen windows into the vast air.

Thank goodness we don’t have bears in Nigeria. Cuz if we did, a lot of bear attacks on humans could have been happening with bears being able to smell food from 32 kilometers…But trust Naija, they’ll purposely start cooking all day so that bears can come and they trap it for food. Over time with thousands of bears killed, the cuddly creatures would manufacture their own gas masks.

Back to the guy sweeping, the next time I looked at his room, I could tell he was sweating from mopping his room because the sweat beads on his face shone more than a mirage on a hot day in Maiduguri, though all days over there are hot.

The next thing I heard was a large and continuous splashing of water as the shower ran endlessly and after what seemed to be hell reaching freezing point, it stopped. Then came the long Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, Ssssssssssssssss sounds. If not that I knew this guy could be putting on some body spray, I could have thought he was flitting his house, but again it was afternoon and most Nigerians flit houses at night. Almost as if they are giving the middle finger to the insects like “F**k you, now die! Looking for blood to suck eh? Come suck fire.” Lol! Silly insects, they’ll never learn.

After the sprays, I heard him tugging at his generator, trying to pull it from the veranda into the compound and the next thing it was on. By then fuel scarcity hadn’t started so he could still afford putting on gen in the afternoon. I saw as he came out to spread his towel and given the powerful nostrils I got from my mum, I could smell his fragrance being superb. Almost as if on cue, he turned around looked towards my kitchen window, smiling he asked, “Ah Pretty Stan! Na you dey cook this thing? Choi! My Chef.” I wondered, so in all these times, he hadn’t given a thought I could be around with my kitchen window open and demarcated from his apartment by about 35 feet, I responded with a little sigh to show I wasn’t doing anything spectacular and said “Bros na me ooo! I still dey learn naa.”

About 10 minutes later, I heard a knock on the gate, I came out and asked who it was. The knock came again, and before I could utter another word, this my Fresh Guy neighbour ran past me and opened the gate. First came in long, brown slender legs that stopped at the hemline of a lovely mini-skirt and when I looked up and saw the beautiful face, she smiled and greeted me with my neighbour even failing or forgetting to introduce his Highness- Pretty Stan aka Stanley Yayo, I was like “Oh! So this is the reason why all the fast clean-up, bathing and switching on the gen was for?” I shook my head, walked into my crib, served myself a hearty meal and forgot about them.

To Be Continued…